Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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