ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
