a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
