I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
