she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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