Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't deserve a penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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