That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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