May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There r osticjed everywhere
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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