I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
