Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
