My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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