Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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