remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
