Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i think my cat just said my name.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
