it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I stole a fireplace last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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