Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
