I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
