they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
