I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
