The brown eye won't let me do that either.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
