i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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