Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
