She is in my trunk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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