my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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