I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
