I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
