Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
