I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
