I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
