Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
