My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
