I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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