bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
