I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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