the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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