i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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