When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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