1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
