all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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