Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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