Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
