Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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