How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
