The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
