i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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