I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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