I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
