I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
