You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
