I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
