I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
