New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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