Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
