The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
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All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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