my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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