dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
