i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
